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1. Raubenheimer VS the Superhumans

– Sir, you do realise that this is an emergency line, correct? Prank phone calls are being monitored and you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
– This is not a prank call. This is true. I’m begging you! Send all your units at the intersection of Kingsway and Queensway immediately!
– I’m going to hang up now sir. A police officer will come over to your place to take your statement. Have a pleasant afternoon sir.
– No, please! You don’t understand! It’s true, I’m begging you, please …

The phone call was terminated by a loud explosion. The penetrating sound of a needle piercing the human eardrum ended the caller’s sentence moments before the repeated sound of a dropped line was heard.

– Sir? Are you there, sir?

The operator attempted to make sense of the phone call. She was definitely not ready to accept there was chaos emerging at the said intersection but the explosion sounded real. She took a moment to evaluate the situation but she was brutally awakened by a blizzard of phone calls reaching in the central police department’s phone centre.

All the phone lines suddenly went live, red lights going on and off, phones ringing all at once. The operator exclaimed in shock. Her mind was putting the pieces together.

“Could his story be really true?”

The morning shift supervising officer entered the room in panic.

Talk to me!

The younger operator was at a loss but finally managed to put a couple of thoughts into words.

– This guy calls and says there’s mayhem downtown at Kingsway and Queensway. I call his prank and then there’s this huge explosion that nearly pierced my ear and now this! I’ve got forty six calls on hold, fifty two now!

The officer picked up the phone and before he could acknowledge himself he was taken aback by the screams on the other end.

– Where the fuck are you? Where? We’re being annihilated he…argh

He knew the sound that came before the death moan. His eyes dilated to their absolute extremes, his pupils widened. He immediately pressed the Emergency Broadcast button on the operator’s console. He quivered but he had no second thoughts.

– This is Sergeant Raubenheimer. All units, I repeat, all units converge to Kingsway and Queensway with extreme caution. This is not a drill. All units converge to Kingsway and Queensway with extreme caution.

There was a cataclysm of acknowledgements from the city patrols. Vehicle units called in first in descending order from patrol fifty to patrol zero. On foot units called in afterwards. They acknowledged Raubenheimer’s orders and made way towards the specific intersection.

– Sir, you do understand this may be a well played prank, don’t you sir?

Xena, the phone operator, looked at him in the eyes, realising she was questioning authority and decision but she couldn’t help thinking they were being outwitted by a group of spoilt brats. He returned the look with mixed panic and fury.

– This is not a prank. Answer all calls. Call in all units that are on leave. Call anyone who’s not working today. Call the National Guard if you have to! Just get everyone downtown to that intersection ASAP!
Everyone? What do you mean everyone?
EVERYONE!

His last word echoed through all the offices of the five floor building. The operator squealed in surprise and then lowered her head and started calling in all the available personnel that was on leave.

Raubenheimer stormed off the phone centre and rode the elevator to the top floor. He inserted the Priority One keycard into the slot and raced towards the red and orange phones. He first picked up the orange one; a secure line from the Commander’s office to his residence.

– Identify yourself!

The Commander’s voice betrayed distress mixed with annoyance.

– Commander Adama! This is Sergeant Raubenheimer, Commander. We have a situation.
– Sergeant Raubenheimer…
– Sir… the situation… I’m calling it in. I just wanted to let you know before informing the officials.
– Are you implying the red phone Sergeant?
– That is correct sir.
– Sergeant, no one has ever used the red phone. Am I making myself clear?
– Crystal.
– Then I suppose this nonsense ends here.
– Sir… this is the situation.
The?
– That is correct sir.
– Sergeant, please acknowledge.
– Sir, this is THE situation.
– I will be there in two minutes point eight seconds. Keep off the red phone.
– Sir…
Off Raubenheimer! Keep off!

The Commander hanged up before the Sergeant could advise him about the situation downtown. There was no way Adama would get to the command centre in two minutes. It was doubtful if he would ever arrive at all.

Commander Adama’s fastest route crossed the Kingsway and Queensway intersection. Without knowledge of the developed situation, Adama was sure to fall right into the eye of the tornado. Raubenheimer knew of this. He also knew that as soon as the Commander had hanged up, there was no way he could inform him of what was going on.

Use of the orange phone initialised a communications off signal. No personnel, officer or official was allowed to engage in conversations over unsecure lines. In fact, no one could. As soon as communication over the orange phone had been terminated, a trigger would shut down all public issued phones, all personal mobile phones, all residence landlines and small EMP detonators would go off in strategically selected locations in order to keep all communication channels dead.

Plan Oghma had been developed after the assassination attempt of president Obama on UK ground, in 2012. It largely borrowed from the Greek Plan Hypnos that came into effect before the 2004 Olympic Games. According to both those plans, all inland communications were cut off as soon as someone engaged the off trigger. The main difference laid therein the trigger itself. According to the Greek plan, the prime minister himself had to manually pull the trigger, after he had been briefed over the red phone; in the UK, the trigger was attached to the orange phone and all communications were killed as soon as the phone call had been cut off –regardless of which side had hanged up first.

Sergeant Raubenheimer savoured a large gasp of breath in an attempt to calm down his heart rate. His lungs pumped to their limits; limits defined by a narrow ribcage. He picked up the white phone to call the phone operator downstairs. It was dead.

Fuuuck!!!

He uttered discomfort and raced out of the Commander’s office. He reached the elevator and opened the door. Darkness. He closed and reopened the door. Still darkness.

– Fucking wankers! I can’t believe they had installed EMP’s inside the Hive! Fucking hell!

He ran to the stairs and flew down. One floor, two, three floors. He was out of shape. His weight dragged him downwards forcibly and made his knees ache. He looked at his watch. Two minutes after he had hanged up.

– Sergeant! The phones are dead!

Xena had left her position and was screaming upwards from the staircase’s foot. Raubenheimer felt relief unfolding within him; she had just saved him the trouble of descending another couple of floors on foot. He bent over the rail and looked down.

– How many did you reach?
– What?
– How many officers did you get on the phone?
– One.
– What?
– Just one.
– What the fuck! I told you to get them all here ASAP.
– Yeah well, I started explaining the incident and then the phones went off. Why are the phones off?
– Oghma…
– What?
– Plan Oghma! Communications are off!
– Yeah, okay. But why?
– It’s Plan Oghma you stupid twat! Just go back inside and do your job!
How?
– What?
– How am I supposed to do my job? All the phones are dead.
– Just go back inside. Go inside!

Xena walked back into the communications room and closed the door behind her, muttering incomprehensible gibberish on the way. She kept cursing the Sergeant for quite some time after she had sat back into her seat, behind a dead console.

The Sergeant inhaled a deep breath. He needed to calm down but instead, he found himself cursing Xena with all his might. The situation downtown was surely not her fault but the fact that she ignored basic protocols infuriated him. Plan Oghma had not only been one of the key strategic plans for national security, it had also been broadcasted through all tv channels and radio stations since the first moment it had been leaked to the press; even elementary school students had an in depth knowledge of what it was all about.

He dismissed his anger but made a mental note of it for future resolution; if the world survived to see another dawn, he would not let Xena without a formal ass whooping. He checked his watch. Six minutes and thirty nine seconds. Adama would never make it. He checked his watch again. Six minutes and forty seconds. Adama was not coming. One last time. Six minutes and forty one seconds. Still nothing.

He raced back up the stairs. He needed to communicate the incident to the government. One floor, two, three floors. He was sweating like a pig under the sun in a summer day somewhere in the Mediterranean. Still, he reached the fifth floor and stood before Commander Adama’s office. He slipped in the Priority One keycard. Nothing happened. More sweat chilled his back. He tried again, took the keycard out of the slot and slipped it back inside. Nothing. One more time. Nothing. He frantically pulled the keycard out from and pushed it back into the slot but no light came from of the accept/reject sign.

Positioned above the door knob was a metallic, circular cover with the words “Kill Switch” engraved across its diameter. Raubenheimer pushed it to the left and saw it revolving around the nail that kept it in place. The cover was used to hide a tiny slot, a mechanism that could override the electronic security system.

The Sergeant paused momentarily. He remembered seeing Commander Adama manually opening the door once. He also remembered seeing Commander Adama illegally taking the override key outside the Hive once, in order to make a copy. And finally, he remembered seeing Commander Adama coming out of his office in wrinkled clothes once, moments before his mistress.

Raubenheimer needed that extra key. In his mind, it only made sense that the extra key was made for Adama’s mistress. He shook his head in disproval. The Commander of the police force having an affair and enjoying it within the Hive. On the other hand, Raubenheimer did know Adama’s wife. In his place, he would have probably gotten a mistress too. Besides, Xena was perhaps stupid but she was a hot ass bitch.

Raubenheimer chuckled at that.

He then came round and flew down the staircase once more.

Xena was just sitting in her seat, legs on the console, texting her friends on her mobile. Raubenheimer couldn’t hold back laughing out loud.

What’s your problem anyways?
– Are you texting?
– Well yeah, all the phones are dead what am I supposed to do?

Raubenheimer laughed again. He couldn’t believe she could actually be so thick.

– The phones are dead, eh?
– Well, they are. Just pick up and check for yourself! All the phones are down and don’t you ask me why. I have no clue what’s going on today!
– So, all the phones are dead. But you’re texting

Xena looked at him. She then looked at her mobile. She had already sent six messages to her friends planning after-hours drinks. She navigated to the sent messages folder. Nothing there. She then went in the outbox folder. Six messages failed, waiting to retry.

– What do you want Sergeant?
– The key.
– The key?
– Xena, give me the key. I know you have it.
– First of all, it’s Constable Stranger to you. Second, I’ve no clue what you’re talking about.
– Listen, the entire Hive knows you’re mouth washing Adama’s stick. Just give me the damn key I need to open his damn office and the keycard reader will just not work.

Xena jumped out of her seat and furiously slapped the Sergeant.

– How dare you talk about me like that? I will formally report you, first thing in the morning!
– You do what you have to do. Just give me the key. And next time your enter that office on the fifth floor, check whether the inline cameras are online before shaking your ass to the world. Although I have to say, we all enjoyed Adama’s email attachments with your tattooed behind. And there I thought tattoos were not allowed in the academy. Now, the key.

Xena’s eyes had swollen. She could hardly believe what she had heard but if it wasn’t true, how could it be that Raubenheimer knew of her tattoo?

– You’re lying. You’re …
– The key!
– I will kill him. I will personally…
– The key!
– What?
– The key! I need the damn key to get inside his office! We need to use the damn phone!
The phones are dead.
– The red phone you stupid twat!
– The red phone?
The fucking red phone! Give me the fucking key!
– But the red phone is a phone.
– What?
It’s a phone.
– Of course it’s a phone your stupid bitch. What’s wrong with you?
– The phones are dead.
– What?
– All the phones are dead Raubenheimer why will the red phone work?
– What?
– They’re dead!
– Yes, but… The red phone…
– What about it?
– Well, it’s a secure line.
– So?
– So, it should work.
Oh.
Yes.
– Are you sure?
– No.
– Does the orange phone work?
– It did.
When?
– Before Oghma.
– Before who?
Ohma!
– Who’s Oghma?
– The plan.
– What about it?
– Are you serious?
– About what?

Raubenheimer stopped there. The seed of doubt was drastically blooming inside of him. He took a moment to rethink what he knew of plan Oghma.

Plan Oghma was largely based on the Greek Plan for national security, codenamed Hypnos. According to both these plans, all inland communication was immediately shut down and rendered impossible as soon as the Oghma trigger was activated. In the Greek Plan Hypnos, the trigger was a safe switch, under a red, hard plastic cover, located on the prime minister’s desk. The prime minister was the only one allowed to make a Plan Hypnos enforcement decision. Furthermore, the prime minister could only reach the switch during the next 10 minutes after a phone call had been placed through the red phone; inbound or outbound.

In the United Kingdom’s plan Oghma, no human being was allowed interference with the plan. Oghma was automatically activated in order to avoid abuse of power by the prime minister. It was also activated one step earlier than the Greek Plan Hypnos in order to define and highlight the UK’s determination in fighting terrorism. The British intelligence agency had taken an arguably good security system and turned it into an impenetrable beast of safety and security.

Could it really be that they had messed everything up?

– Xena, please give me the key.
– Whatever, it’s in my purse, just grab it.

Raubenheimer tossed her the purse. Xena reached in, almost emptied it on the dead console and finally fetched what the Sergeant drooled over. A tiny “one tree hill” keychain with a long metallic key.

– One tree hill? Seriously?
– It’s all Adama baby, don’t look at me.
Adama’s into tree hill?
– Apparently…

The Sergeant had no more to add. He turned around and left, closing the phone centre’s door, went up five floors, felt his sweat down into his underwear but still, he got himself back up before Adama’s door, with the key. He pushed away the circular cover, inserted the key into the slot and turned anticlockwise.

The heavy bars moved out of the walls and back into the safety door with a distinct sound.

Raubenheimer stormed behind Adama’s desk, lifted the red phone anxiously, brought it to his right ear and, he waited. He knew nothing would change no matter how long he had waited but still he did wait. He would not allow himself to believe that an IQ of forty had just outperformed himself and even worse, the entire staff of the British intelligence centre.

There was no sound coming from the red phone. No ringing, no nothing. It made sense. As soon as the conversation though the orange phone had been terminated, the Ohma trigger had been activated. No landline would operate again, no cell phone, radio, TV, no electrical equipment whatsoever and no communication equipment either. No satellite signal would go in or out, no voice would be transferred, no image would be broadcasted.

Pigeons and smoke signals were the only two things that would convey a long distance message. Raubenheimer hated birds and he was no Indian; had no blanket either – or wood for that matter. Perhaps if Meucci had been acknowledged in the 1800’s, the UK would still be able to communicate freely through extended wires. They would also be immune to electromagnetic attacks.

The Sergeant pondered for a minute before realising there was nothing else he could do in the hive. If the computers were operable, he could at least go downstairs and let Xena take a peek at what she looks like when she’s being recorded by Adama, during their sexual encounters. On the other hand, if the computers were operable he could perhaps reach for help.

He went downstairs. His knees were killing him. He made a mental note of either revisiting the gym or taking an oath to never go up or down the stairs again in his life. One second later, he had already revisited his previous mental note and had discarded the gym possibility. He would just stick with the elevators.

– Xena, I’m off. I’m going to that Intersection.
– I wanna come with.
– Excuse me?
– Adama will be there right?
– That is correct.
– I wanna come with.
– Xena, that sentence makes absolutely no sense.
– Sense or not, I’m coming with.
– I think not.
– Adama will be there.
– Yeah, so will the entire Marvel.
– Mar-what?
– Marvel.
– Who’s Marvel?
– Who’s Oghma?
What?
What?

Xena looked at Raubenheimer angrily.

– Are you making fun of me?
– No.
– Then who’s Marvel and who’s Oghma.
– I’ll tell you what. I’m gonna go get the car. If you manage to figure out who’s Oghma before I come back, I’ll let you ride with me. How’s that?
– How am I supposed to know who Oghma is?
– I don’t know… Google it.
– You mean I can Google it?
– Of course you can Google it.
– Alright then. Easy peasy. I’ll have it before you even reach the car.

Raubenheimer put on his vest, jacket, helmet, gloves and ammunition belt. He got a shotgun, a handgun, a couple of X26 Police Taser guns, three mustard grenades, three smoke grenades, three stun grenades, three tear grenades and three flash-bangs. He also got an expandable, rubber baton. Just in case.

He reached the car, opened the door and then paused for a second. A miraculous red colour emerged from behind the city buildings. Like a midsummer total eclipse of the sun. He shook his head. It was probably too late. He got in the car, started the engine and took off. He left the Hive without thinking about Xena too much.

Xena was still looking at a black pc monitor.

– Come on stupid screensaver let me in!

She never realised the computer was as dead as anything and everything else around her. Her spark of genius exhausted at thinking the red phone would be dead since the red phone was a phone like all the other phones.

Raubenheimer raced through the city streets. He avoided the major arteries and went through minor pathways in order to overtake all the packed streets that reached the city centre through the intersection of Kingsway and Queensway. Three minutes and fifty five seconds later, he had reached a dead end. It was a short walk from that point on. He popped the trunk, got the loudspeaker in his hand and started walking towards the intersection.

– This is Sergeant Raubenheimer. Please acknowledge that I come in peace. Please let me come through. I am here to work a solution to whichever problem has arisen.

The Sergeant walked through derailed trams, knocked over cars, lynched bodies, spattered bodies, amputated limbs and other scenes of chaos and disgust. He attempted to ignore all the blood that warmed the air around him and kept the loudspeaker attached to his lips.

– I repeat. This is Sergeant Raubentheimer. I come in peace. I’m here to help you solve whatever bothers you. Please let me come through. There is no need to harm any more people. Please calm down. I am coming though!

There were fires all around him. Car tanks that had spilt gas on the asphalt had gone alight, stores had accepted their fate and slowly burnt away, people screamed and moaned in every corner. There were bodies everywhere. The city stray dogs had already started circling the freshly baked food.

About six minutes later, Raubenheimer managed to reach the centre of the Kingsway and Queensway intersection. He had thought it would be ugly. It was worse. He had thought it would be intimidating. It was downright frightening. He had thought he would find a way to correct the madness. He was now thinking this had been a really bad idea.

– Dick. Long time no see.

Dick looked at him. He didn’t recognise him. He then looked at the people next to him. No one knew who Raubenheimer was.

– You know me?

Dick asked behind his mask.

– I know you. We all know all of you. What’s happening here?

Dick looked at his companions. He then looked back at Raubenheimer.

– Who are you?
– I’m Sergeant Raubenheimer. That man over there is my boss, Commander Adama.
Adama.
– Commander Adama…
– You mean that shitless little man in Kyle’s hands?
– That’s correct. Hi there Kyle. Haven’t seen you in years either.
– You know Kyle too?
– Of course! I know you, I know Kyle, is that Rudolph over there? Yes that must be Rudolph and there’s the son, Wally. I can see Piper, Jerry McGee and of course, that black hole consuming helpless, innocent people is probably Chester. Isn’t that right Chester?

Dick smiled.

– How do you know so much about us?
– Oh, I’m a long time fan!
– You are?
– We all are!
– You all are?
Of course we are.
– …
– You don’t believe me?
– … Wally, come check this dude here!

Raubenheimer didn’t see him but he knew that Wally had already circled him and studied him before he could even blink.

– Dick. Do you mind telling me?
– Telling you what officer?
– About this.
– About which this?
– This here.
Here?
– What’s happening here?
– Oh but it’s obvious what’s happening here.
– It is?
– Of course.
– Care to enlighten me?
– You mean you don’t see it?
– All I see is broken cars, dead people and fires.
– So there.
– What do you mean?
That’s all that’s happening here!
– But why?

Dick paused.

– What?
Why are there broken cars, dead people and fires?

Dick looked around. There were broken cars, dead people and fires. He looked back at Raubenheimer. The Sergeant was making a good argument. Why were they destroying everything?

– Pierce?
– What’s up Gray?
– Pierce come over here!
– Where’s my “please”?
– Damnit Pierce. Come over here…please!

Raubenheimer back stepped in awe.

– Wow! The Black Lightning himself?

Pierce Jefferson bowed. There was lightning crawling at his fingertips.

– Pierce, do you have any clue why we’re doing this?
– Of course Gray. Wally called us.
– Wally did?
– Wally did.
– Okay Pierce that’s all. What were you up to anyways?
– No much. I was at home. You know. Watching the game, having a bud.
– I meant just now Pierce.
What about now?
– Well, what were you up to when I asked you to come over?
– Oh! That’s what you meant.
That’s what I meant.
– Well, not much. I was just playing with Cyborg.
Cyborg? Cyborg’s here?
– Well not exactly. Cyborg Kent is here!
What?
Kent.
Kent who?
Clark Kent!
What?
– Yeah.
– Where?
– Back there!
– What is he doing back there?
– Well, he’s punching a guy. He says he’s the mayor!
– What mayor?
– Well, this city’s mayor apparently!
– He’s punching the mayor?
– You bet your ass he is.
– So what are you doing then?
– I’m reviving him!
– What?
– Well yeah, he’s going into comma and I’m reviving him!
– How?
– Electricity.
– You mean you bring him round again?
– Yeah!
– Why?
– It’s fun dude!
Fun?
– Hell yeah it’s fun. Are we done?
– Yeah. Thanks.

The Black Lightning took off in a spark of lightning. Grayson turned around to leave too.

– Wait!
– What now Raubenheimer?
– Why did Wally ask you to do this?
What?
– Why do all of this? There must be a reason!
– You’re a pain, you know that Raubenheimer?
– …
– Yeah okay hold. I’ll find out for you. Wally!

Fraction of a millisecond later, Wally stood before Raubenheimer.

– Why is all of this happening?
What is it to you?
– I asked you a question!
Are you a shaolin?
– What?
– A shaolin. Are you one?
– No.
– Then, what is it to you?
– They’re human beings!
I know.
– You’re killing them!
I know.
– But they stand no chance against you!
I know. You’re the observant type right?
– Why are you doing this?
– Respect!
– What?
– Respect.
– You’re killing them for respect?
– That is right.
– But why?
– They needed to learn how to respect!
– How can they learn? They’re dead now!
What?
– They’re dead! How will they respect you now?
– …
– Well?
I didn’t think of that.
– You … you didn’t think of that?
– Well not exactly. It was an impulse decision.
– What do you mean it was an impulse decision?
– …
– Well?
– Well okay mister Raubenheimer I’ve got an answer for you. They may be dead but the rest of the world will now respect me!
– Because you killed so many?
– Because I killed so many!
– …
– It makes sense doesn’t it?
– It depends. Is this the psycho ward?
I don’t think so. This is the Kingsway and Queensway intersection.
– I know that!
– Then why did you ask if it’s a psycho ward?
– Forget about it.
Okay.

Raubenheimer exhaled deeply. He was at a loss for words. He also knew that there was nothing he could ever do against such opponents. He could only attempt to reason with them.

– Can I ask one more question?
– Go ahead Sergeant. I don’t think anyone’s going anywhere.
– How did they not respect you?
– They didn’t let me go through.
Excuse me?
– I wanted to go through to the other side and they didn’t let me!
– Are you kidding me?
– No I’m serious. We killed far too many people to be just a joke!
Wally laughed.

– Not that we haven’t done that in the past but we’re past such pranks now. We’re older and more mature.
Mature?
– Yeah, mature. We’re responsible now.
– Responsible how?
– Well we don’t pull pranks and we always help people in need.
People in need.
– Exactly.
– But you’re killing people as we speak!
That’s different.
– How’s this different?
They’re not in need.
What?
They’re dead!
You killed them!
– Well, yeah. Well I didn’t kill all of them. Dick did some, Clark too, Pierce, of course Kyle did many, Tina, Chester, Piper… Actually Chester did the most. Lucky bastard.
– …
What?
– You killed them. You say you protect and help people in need but you killed them.
– They were not in need. Actually, there was this little kid who broke his arm when his daddy crashed the car. Rudolph took it to the hospital.
– Where’s the dad?
Mine? Back there.
– The kid’s dad Wally. The kid’s dad.
Oh that dad. That dad’s probably not around anymore.
– Why?
– I don’t know. You’ll have to ask around. Depending on who got to him first, the dad probably ended some place else.
– …
Can I go? I need to harvest some manna.
– Harvest?
– I’m only kidding! HA-HA! We’re harvesting on WoW.
Oh?
– WoW! World of Warcraft.
– What’s “oh world of Warcraft”?
HA! You’re such a noob, Sergeant Raubenheimer!
– …
– Okay, I’m going now!
– Wait! Wally! One more question.
What now?
– What do you mean they didn’t let you go through to the other side?
– Oh that. I tried to walk from that pavement to this pavement right?
– Okay…
– And the drivers never stopped to let me go through!
– Are you high?
– No, I’m just tall.
– I mean, are you on drugs?
– Certainly not! Look, I’m standing on the pavement. I really am that tall. I’m not on drugs, books, boxes or any other thing you might think I’m standing on.
– …
– Should I go?
– No wait. Why didn’t you just go through?
– Where?
– To the other side!
Don’t be ridiculous!
– What?
– Only the undead can go to the other side!
– I meant the other side of the road.
– Oh!
– Yes.
– Well, I will go.
– When?
– Any time now.
– Why didn’t you just go before all the killing!
– I told you!
– What?
– They wouldn’t let me!
– For crying out loud, you could have gone anyway!
What?
– You could have just gone through!
– Without them letting me?
– Exactly!
Oh!
– …
– Truth is I could have just gone through.
– …
– Yeah, I mean, it’s not as if I couldn’t do that…
– …
– I could have just … zeeeevvvvviiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn…
– …
– I’d probably go through before they could get to me, right?
– You’re the mother fucking Flash for fuck’s sake! I don’t suppose there is anyone that could get to you.
– You got that right! I’m the Flash!
– … Yeah so why didn’t you just go through?
– …
– Well?
– Well, I didn’t think of that either, okay?
– You didn’t…
– ..think of that!
– You can’t be serious.
Of course I can! I’ve done it before!
– Are you playing with me?
– No way I’m playing with you. You’re a noob.
What?
– You’ll hold me back. I’m a level 66 dark elf.
– What are you talking about?
WoW. What are you talking about?
– Forget it.
– No, you forget it. There’s no way I’ll ever play with you.
– You do realise there’s a traffic light there, right?
Where? In WoW?
– Behind you.
Behind me?
– Just turn around!

Wally, the Flash, turned around. There were about sixty cars, crashed into each other, flames slowly burning them away. Bodies and blood all around. On both corners of Kingsway there were traffic lights. They were red. The green walking man flashed on the lights’ side.

Wally West looked at the corners of Queensway. There were traffic lights on both of them. They were green. The standing still little red man lit brightly on the lights’ side. He turned around and faced Sergeant Raubenheimer.

– Well, imagine that Sergeant.
Yeah, imagine that Wally.
– Well, it just so appears there actually are traffic lights regulating the traffic.
– It would appear so Wally.
– …
– …

The Flash turned around to his companions. Most of them were trying to find new victims. They had run out of fresh meat. Cyborg Superman and the Black Lightning were still shocking and reviving the mayor. Chunk, or Chester P. Runk, was still sucking in bodies and scrap metal alike; an always hungry, never tiring black hole.

– Listen to me. It appears there’s been a mistake!

Everyone immediately stopped and looked at him.

– This has all been because of a terrible misunderstanding. We can leave these people in peace and go back to our quest. And because I’m fair, I will not harvest today; I will allow you to harvest on your own. Let’s go back to having a good time.

Everyone cheered and took off. Moments before Wally disappeared, Raubenheimer exclaimed.

– Wait! You can’t just leave! This is chaos you’re leaving behind!
Chaos?
– Well yeah! Dead bodies, burning cars, so much blood…
– You know what? You’re actually right.
– Of course I’m right!
– You’re right. Chunk will clean up. Chunk! Clean up please and come back later on.

Chunk looked at the Flash with disrespect. He expected something in return for the favour he was being asked.

– Okay Chunk… I’ll let you have the Idol of Strife.
– Chunk wants the Idol of the Sage.
– That’s preposterous! I’ll give you the Abyssal Signet.
– Chunk wants the Quraji Regal Drape.
– You’re killing me Chunk. I’ll let you have the Green Hakkari Bijou.
– Chunk wants the Gold Hakkari Bijou.
– Okay Chunk. I’ll give you the Gold one.
– Chunk wants both the Green and the Gold.
– Okay Chunk. You’ll have both. Just clean up okay?

Wally vanished into thin air. Seconds later, the roads were clean of blood, bodies, cars and fires. Raubenheimer couldn’t understand.

– What did you do?
– Chunk cleaned. Chunk goes now.
Wait!
– No wait no more. Chunk has to harvest

  2010  /  Raubenheimer  /  Last Updated January 3, 2013 by Phlegyas  / 

10 Comments

  1. Ioana says:

    Why do you write so hard? I liked the story I have friend in the library of congress haha

    • Phlegyas says:

      hehehe will you all now make fun of me? yes i’m in the Library of Congress LMAO!!!
      thanks for the comment girl.

  2. Voodoo says:

    haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    auta einai….

    • Phlegyas says:

      😀 😀 Na’sai kala!!!

      Xairomai poy gelas xexexexe … einai ontws trabhgmeno oso den paei gia na bgalei ta gelia toy 😀

      Opws eipe kai mia psyxh, …, h blakeia twn amerikanwn !!! XA XA XA X

      Kalh synexeia

  3. SUPRKILLR says:

    AaaAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaaaa! Haaaaaahahahahaha!

    I really have tears in my eyes, mate! I guess people laughed more about
    other jokes, but I just love “Xena”

    “Come on stupid screensaver let me in!”

    How often have I heard this?

  4. AVR says:

    ha ha ha !!!
    feels as if a Tarantino movie character tries to communicate with a Coen movie character… haha ) not to mention all those subtle little details on Raubenheimer’s efforts, the UK-implemented Oghma plan and ofcourse Xena’s comprehension
    You never seem to run out of ideas, mate ! hahaha
    Well done (to say the least !)

  5. MAGOS says:

    Chunk!!! Ο χαρακτήρας της ιστορίας by far (…Chunk has to harvest… )χααχαχχαχααχαχ!!! Τη Xena τη βλέπω κάθε μέρα οπότε…no comments!!
    Γενικότερα συμφωνώ με Χρηστάρα! ‘Αντε Phle στο επόμενο βάλε και λίγο Lynch μέσα να μας τρελλλλλάνεις περισσότερο!!!
    Έβγαλε πολύ γέλιο το όλο story (την Kingsway γιατί μας τη θύμησες btw???)…άξιος!!
    Ένα ακόμα εύγε…keep up the good work!!!

    • Phlegyas says:

      να σαι καλά φιλαράκι τα σπάει ο chunk όντως χεχεχεχε στην κοσμάρα του όπως και οι περισσότεροι βέβαια …


      και το μυστικό;;;
      ΑΝΑΜΕΙΝΑΤΕ: Έπεται συνέχεια!!!

      Ευχαριστώ για την ανάγνωση λα λα λα (το thanks for reading δε μεταφράζεται πολύ καλά ε;;;;; )

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